IN the past week sales of rosé wine have skyrocketed by a massive 400 per cent.
And God alone knows what will happen when people other than me start drinking it . . .
Actor Brad Pitt is said to love a glass or two of rosé[/caption]
Sales of rosé wine skyrocketed by a 400 per cent last week as the weather improved[/caption]
About ten years ago I began to realise that if I drank white wine in the evening, the alcohol would slowly turn to sugar — so at four in the morning I’d sit bolt upright in bed, with my heart beating like a jack hammer and my eyes out on stalks.
I couldn’t have been more awake if a wolf had just walked through the door. I therefore switched to red wine, which meant that by nine in the evening my face was in the bouillabaisse.
So I alighted on rosé and I’ve never looked back.
A lot of people think it can only be drunk at lunchtime on a hot summer’s day. This is nonsense.
It also works well when it’s raining, foggy, windy, drizzling, cloudy or cold.
I’ve drunk rosé on Bonfire Night and Christmas Day. I even took a case to the North Pole.
This really is a wine for all occasions.
It goes perfectly not just with avocado and salad but also with meat, fish, curry, pasta and cornflakes.
Some call it lady petrol, saying it’s a girls’ drink. They reckon it’s just Sarah Jessica Parker in a bottle.
‘REAL MEN DRINK PINK’
But that’s not so. Brad Pitt loves it. And the best sort is Léoube. Which is made by the family that also makes JCB diggers. So there you are. Real men drink pink.
And it’s easy to see why.
You can spend hours a day in the gym trying to change the shape of your body.
It hurts, it makes you sweaty and the results are a long time coming.
Whereas if you have just three large glasses of rosé in the evening, which is not hard work, your body will change shape in no time at all.
And don’t forget that if you drink rosé, wine enthusiasts won’t bore you to death about the claret they had last night and how it had high notes of hot handbags in a Bovril factory.
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They will assume you aren’t interested in wine at all. Which you’re not, because you’ll happily put ice in it.
Rosé may look like wine and smell like wine, and it may come in a wine bottle, but there’s no snobbishness to it.
It’s just something you drink because you want to feel happy.
PM Boris must be bushed
Six weeks ago, Andy Wilman, who’s my oldest friend and the producer of The Grand Tour, was struck down by coronavirus.
It hit him hard and for two weeks he was in bed, unable to sleep because of the constant coughing.
Boris Johnson contracted coronavirus last month and spent time in intensive care[/caption]
Happily, he recovered without having to go to hospital, but he was never back up to full speed before the virus came again.
I had a Zoom call with him this week and it was like talking to a sea lion.
All of which makes me wonder about Boris Johnson.
Yes, he’s up and about and yes, he says he’s fit enough to work. But is he really?
Lake District locals
ANOTHER week and another batch of stories about Lake District locals who are making life as unpleasant as possible for visitors.
I’ve had enough of this and think we should fight back.
So the next time a family from Keswick comes to London to see a show, let’s tell them to bugger off back to where they came from.
Bob puts the pain in paint
Bad news. The future of BBC4 is in doubt, which means I could be about to lose my favourite lockdown TV show – The Joy Of Painting, with Bob Ross.
Filmed in old-fashioned square format, it’s hosted by a man who died 25 years ago. So we are not talking cutting-edge television here.
What you get is a man with Art Garfunkel hair and a Bill Oddie beard who sits there in what look suspiciously like Brutus jeans, painting a picture. That’s it.
He has the sort of voice hypnotists use when they are trying to get you to give up smoking, which means you are quickly lulled into a deep, drooling stupor.
After five minutes, his picture is starting to take shape and I guarantee you’ll think what I always think – “I could do that”.
Five minutes later you’ll be thinking, “I should do that”. And the next thing you know, you’re on Amazon, ordering an easel.
This is a big mistake, as painting is much harder than it looks. A point that becomes glaringly obvious as the show goes on.
After 15 minutes he’s always created a pretty good scene but every- thing he adds after that always ruins it a bit until, when the show ends after half an hour, the final result is so bad you have to bite the back of your hand to stop yourself guffawing.
It’s the best and funniest thing on TV right now. By miles.
Of course Amber is on a horse
We were told this week the actress Amber Heard had gone “horseback riding”.
I don’t understand this uniquely American expression.
Amber Heard wowed fans on the red carpet at the screening of the film ‘Pain and Glory’[/caption]
Because what other part of a horse can you ride on?
Say “horse riding” and it’ll be clear she wasn’t trotting about on its head.
In fact, just say “riding” and it’ll be OK. We won’t think she’s been gallivanting around on her rabbit.
The best-selling car in Britain last month was the battery-powered Tesla 3.
Yup, it beat the Ford Fiesta and all the other usual suspects, and you’ll probably see this as proof that at long last the electric car revolution is starting to happen.
The best-selling car in Britain last month was the battery-powered Tesla 3[/caption]
Hmmm. I reckon the reason is simpler. To buy a car in the middle of a lockdown you have to be mad.
Am I suggesting that you have to be mad to buy a Tesla?
- Volvo has said that from now on, all of the cars it sells will be limited to 112mph. This is a surprise move. As most people never realised that Volvos could ever go faster than that.
We learned this week that when the intensely boring sport of cricket resumes, bowlers will no longer be able to use their saliva to make the ball do weird things as it heads towards the batsman.
We’ve also heard that footballers will not be allowed to spit, and we assume that boxers will have to dance about, not spraying sweat all over the place as they maintain a two-metre distance.
Bowlers will no longer be able to use their saliva on the ball while playing cricket due to Covid-19[/caption]
All of which makes me wonder, how is anyone ever going to make a porn film?
Stars of the industry say Covid-19 has forced them to shoot their own scenes and do their own editing. Which is fine.
But what exactly are they having sex with? The vacuum cleaner?
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