My wife told me to find a lover because she no longer wanted to have sex — and now I’m torn

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DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife told me to find a lover because she no longer wanted sex – but now my lover wants more and I’m torn.

I am 47 and she is 53. She has two girls from her first marriage who I love like my own and we have a son together who’s at university.

My wife said I should find another woman for sex
Getty – Contributor

My wife is my best friend and I trust her completely. We share the same values and interests and can talk about anything and everything.

I care deeply about her and she is a beautiful-looking woman. I would never have gone looking for someone else if our sex life hadn’t come to an end.

We’d had a great love life but she said the feeling has gone for her. She still loves me but can’t imagine wanting sex ever again.

I was very upset when she told me to find someone else for sex but, after a while, I joined a dating site.

My lover wants more… but is there anything to it other than sex?
Getty – Contributor

I didn’t expect to meet anyone but, within weeks, I met a woman ten years younger than me who was divorced and only lives half an hour from me.

She had two long-term lovers who knew nothing about one another but she stopped seeing both when we started a sexual relationship.

Sex with her is amazing and she makes me feel alive. She enjoys me being dominant, which I love.

She says she has never trusted anyone as she has me, and that the only thing which is not perfect is that we’re not together. She wants me to leave my wife to be with her properly.

My wife and I talked about splitting but it is so hard after 20 years. I love my home and my family mean the world to me.

I have thought about taking a break from my wife to find out if my lover and I are meant to be.

On the other hand, I am terrified of her dumping me in a few years.

We are very different as people, with different interests.

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But I just feel I am too young to give up on sex.

Am I being a fool? Should I try to save my marriage?

Or do I follow my heart and hope I am not made a fool of later on?


DEIDRE SAYS: Would you be following your heart or being led by a quite different part of your anatomy?

Take the great sex out of this new relationship and what are you left with? Also, you can’t guarantee the sex will go on being great for ever. It used to be great with your wife.

Think how you would feel telling your children you’re leaving their mum for a younger woman.

This all started from your wife deciding sex was over for her.

I know you pleaded with her but that’s not the same as insisting the two of you together explore why she’d lost her libido and if anything can be done.

You should stop seeing your lover and tell your wife you have realised you love her too passionately to want anyone else. Book to see a sex therapist together. If you used to have great sex, maybe you can again.


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